Being Happy When They're Not, Without Being an Asshole

HAPPY PEOPLE SUCK

I think we can all agree that there is nothing more irritating than a super happy person, with their hopeful, toothy little smiles and that exaggerated spring in their step. It’s just so off-putting isn’t it?! Now imagine you actually have to live with one of those chirpy little psychopaths! And NOW imagine that chirpy little psychopath…is you.

Happiness, optimism and gratitude sound a lot like sunshine, lollipops and rainbows to those who aren’t experiencing them, but being in a great place poses its own set of unique challenges.

In my first blog post, I talked about New Year’s resolutions and focused on people who aren’t necessarily content with their current circumstances and want more. In today’s post, I want to turn the spotlight on those of us who are actually feeling pretty amazing these days, and what an utter drag it can be for the people who have to live with us.

STRANGER DANGER

If you have ever known someone whose close relative has been diagnosed with an illness, then you have probably heard that expression When one person gets sick, the whole family gets sick. It’s kinda like that. Your progress infects the entire hive.

And while it might be for a great cause, and even medically necessary, all the new, healthy habits you’ve adopted have turned everyone else’s lives and schedules totally upside down.

And you’re just happy as a clam, smiling away, eatin’ your chia seeds …blissfully unaware that your amazing transformation is taking a pretty big toll on everyone else.

Face it. You are a different person now. Your body has changed. Your energy level has changed. Your old predictable, COMFORTABLE routine, and therefore your relationship has changed.

You used to eat wheels of cheese in bed together and polish off a bottle of wine watching House Hunters. Now you’re waking up at 4am to work on goal setting, running outside on purpose, and bragging about your regularity.

Of course, seeing you accomplish so much in terms of your health, and seeing the improvements in your mood and attitude can be really encouraging for your partner on many levels, it’s important to understand that this is most likely a journey of one.

ALL ABOARD

Humans are incredibly giving beings. We love to share. Oftentimes overly so. So, it only makes sense that when something truly incredible has happens to us, we want to spread the wealth. We want to share it! We want everyone around us to feel as good as we feel and achieve this optimum level of enlightenment and energy and well-being that we have achieved. We have achieved nirvana, and we wanna bring everyone along for the ride.

We have become little motivational speakers, responding to everything with a quote about moving mountains and sharing helpful tips and tricks to help boost their productivity.

We have book recommendations and meditation recommendations, and workout recommendations and recipe recommendations, and WE have turned into complete assholes.

It’s important to keep in mind that when we behave as if we are trying to convert our partner to a new way of life, it suggests that their old one is flawed. And even if it is in fact flawed, it feels to them like an attack on their character and suggests that our happiness can only be maintained so long as they become a completely different person. This of course isn’t our intention. Nor is it our responsibility to fix anyone but ourselves. Optimal health is a personal journey. So, how can we motivate our partner to fix themselves without it looking like we think they’re broken, and without being a total asshole about it?

NOT LOOKING LIKE AN ASSHOLE: THE DO’s AND DON’T’S OF PRACTICING PERSUASION THROUGH INSPIRATION

By all means, continue being happy.

If your new habits are realistic and helping you achieve your personal health goals, and don’t impede on anyone else’s routine in a disruptive way, keep going. What you do NOT want to do is put your health on the back burner to appease someone who just isn’t there yet.

Have a really great book recommendation? Wait for them to ask. They’ve been using libraries and the internet just fine without you up until now. If they need help, they’ll let you know. (It doesn’t hurt to leave some inspirational reading in the bathroom though. They’ll eventually get tired of reading the back of the toothpaste tube.)

Feeling great after a workout? Show them by smiling more and being more present and centered. Do NOT design a custom functional training program for them.

Is your diet working better than ever? Lead by example. Let them see how much you enjoy your food and how satisfied you are after a meal. Do NOT list the ingredients for them or start spouting off the benefits of kale. Think of it as subliminal advertising. In psychology, this is what’s known as peripheral route processing; persuasion using cues as opposed to arguments.

At the end of the day, your partner WANTS you to be happy and healthy. What they do NOT want, is to be married to Tony Robbins. So, use your newly acquired health superpowers for what they were meant to be used for. Remember, health is all about connectivity. Get healthy, be happy, and inspire more by connecting more. When your partner begins to associate better health with better connection, their interest will be peaked, and they will naturally and organically begin seeking out ways to achieve the same for themselves in order to reciprocate. Hang tight. They’ll come around.

WHEN CONFIDENCE CHANGES YOU

But what if they don’t?

It’s not pleasant to think about, but any time one person in a relationship undergoes a profound change, it opens the partnership up to potential conflict. One of the most common side-effects of adopting a healthy lifestyle, is confidence, and when one half of a couple is coming from a place of confidence and the other from a place of resistance or depression, this can eventually turn into resentment if left unchecked.

Under ideal circumstances, this conflict is only a minor set-back and can be navigated and mitigated through effective communication, but unfortunately this is not something that necessarily exists in all relationships. The good news is that there are a lot of ways to encourage and facilitate better communication. Couples therapy can be a fantastic way to foster stronger connection and establish relationship goals with the help of an unbiased perspective. Can’t afford a therapist? No worries! There are tons of free resources online that can help you identify your own plan for success. The key is for both of you to practice patience and understand that both of you while conflicted, are both coming from a place of love.

HAVE FAITH

Change is hard. That’s what makes it feel so incredible when we feel like we’ve mastered it. But everyone experiences change differently. Some of us welcome it, and some of us avoid it like a mall on Black Friday. Be patient with the ones you love. You will never inspire someone to join you trying to manage them. But you can absolutely inspire them by connecting with them, and by convincing them they are not a potential passenger on your journey but are in fact the destination.

Now, get on with your happy little self, and remember to take the time to reevaluate, rebuild, and redefine.

With Love,

Mel