Diagnosis: Resting Bitch Face - A Story of Survival
What’s Wrong?!
Them: “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
Me: “I’m fine, why?”
Them: “I don’t know…you just look upset. Are you sure nothing’s wrong?”
Me: “Really, I’m great! This is just how my face looks when I’m reading…thinking…being…
Them: “Are you sure you’re not upset?!”
Nothing makes you feel MORE like there’s something wrong with you, than people asking you what’s wrong, and it seems like someone is always asking! It has come to my attention recently that there is something about my face that communicates to the world that I am unhappy. In fact, it’s not limited to my face either. I apparently also have a tone of voice that suggests I am agitated and disappointed regardless of whether I’m sharing devastating news or a recipe for cauliflower pizza crust.
Here’s the thing, I am happy person. I mean, really happy. I am healthy, energized, motivated and oftentimes obnoxiously optimistic. But my face and the tone of my voice haven’t gotten the memo. I have what is commonly referred to as “resting bitch face,” and a hostile intonation to match. And while I’m inclined to file both under, “Not My Problem,” I also don’t want to be perceived as angry or unapproachable. How does this even happen though?! Was my mother right?! Did I make this face so long it actually stuck, or am I just genetically predisposed to appearing annoyed? And if so, how can I fight genetics and finally appear as happy as I really am?
I’ve Tried Nothing, and Nothing’s Working!
Historically, I have tried exactly two different techniques to address my resting bitch face and angry voice. First, I tried denying it was an issue at all. This strategy ultimately backfired because it required me to be on the defense, which in turn made me feel agitated and confirmed for the other person that they were right all along, and I was upset about something after all. Fail! I have also tried acknowledging it was a potential issue and just expecting other people to give me a pass. Of course, this didn’t work either because it accentuated the fact that I wasn’t taking any action to change the problem, which suggested I didn’t care about how other people were experiencing me. Fail again! So, if I can’t explain or ignore my resting bitch face and angry voice away, what can I do?! Tell me! (No, I’m not mad at you.)
Call in the Experts!
Resting Bitch Face (or RBF as it’s known by people who don’t have time for multi-syllabic words) refers to the angry or annoyed facial expression of a relaxed individual, who does not intend to appear that way. The term “bitchy resting face” was first introduced as part of a 2013 Broken People comedy sketch as part of a public service announcement parody. Since then, the RBF phenomenon has been studied by scientists and psychologists alike in hopes of getting to the bottom of why people can’t seem to get past the fact that I AM NOT UPSET! GAHD!
Using something called the Noldus Face Reader, researchers were able to analyze thousands of human faces, and create a baseline group of neutral, expressionless faces to which they could compare those with markers of RBF. Surprisingly, they were able to isolate one emotional cue that appears most frequently in RBF-stricken faces: contempt. Contempt often refers to anger, resentment and superiority, and is often communicated facially by one side of a person’s lip being slightly pulled back, a subtle eye squint and general tightening around the eyes, none of which helps me to stop making this face.
It's Not What You Said, it’s How You Said it!
According to experts, 60% percent of communication is non-verbal, which means even if I get this RBF thing under control, my unintentionally hostile voice will still scare people away 40% of the time. From what I was able to find, the overall tone of a person’s voice really comes down to two things; pitch and volume. A high-pitched voice is typically associated with things like better listening skills and self-control, while a low pitch like mine is associated more with things like inhibition, inexperience and a history of chain smoking to imply the exact opposite. The second factor, a higher volume of speaking I am not necessarily aware of, seems to be more closely related to a certain degree of hearing loss, which I blame entirely on the 90’s. Adding fuel to the fire is stress of course, which conveniently adds a hint of hostility to the voice as well. So really, as long as I eliminate all stress from my life, keep some helium within reach and start wearing a hearing aid in my 40’s, I should be fine! Phew!
Say Cheese!
There does appear to be some hope though. While it sounds almost too simple, research suggests that adopting the practice of smiling more can activate specific muscles in your face (the angry ones) and essentially train you into smiling more naturally more often. Waking up these smile-muscles also releases neurotransmitters that are shown to lower stress levels and improve your actual mood. Not to mention, regular smiling is also a two-for-one solution! The subtle stretching your face does, in order to accommodate smiling also improves vocal tone! Huzzah! I know I also find it helpful when people politely point my RBF or tone out to me. This helps me become more aware of how it feels and makes it easier to correct without cues later on. Slowing down in general and remembering to breathe before responding and reacting can also give you the little buffer you may need to tweak your response to appear softer and less…”are you SURE there’s nothing wrong?!” Not to mention, breathing and smiling also sounds like a great excuse to practice some gratitude meditation. (Hint hint.)
Practice, Practice, Practice
So, in conclusion, while I was never upset to begin with, there is clearly a discrepancy in how I feel and what I am communicating to other people. If the same applies to you, it might make sense to practice the smiling technique. I totally get it. Practicing smiling in the mirror might feel a little silly, and you may be concerned that doing it for no reason might make you look a little nutty, but it’s important to keep in mind that it’s about more than just appearance.
Effective communication and successfully getting our point across to others can be extremely satisfying and a great way to boost confidence and self-esteem, and we all deserve to feel understood. So, quick! Before someone plans an intervention for your moody-ass, let them know you’re working on it.
Then take a deep breath, crack a little smile and take a little time to reevaluate, rebuild, and redefine.
With Love,
Mel
